AltaTud' with that good ol' mockin' attiTud'

Set high above Perth's blue River Swan, with views to match the altitude, this would be Western Australia's most expensive mock Tudor.

I'm no estate agent, but reckon the monstrosity would be worth close to $10 million.

What you can see is probably just the camels' quarters. There's also a two-storey mansion behind.

Mock over New York, Mock over Lunndon

Hugh Lunn's sentimental walk down language lane, Lost for Words, recalls how in the decade or so after WWII, cash-strapped Australians were forced to eat:

• Mock crab: cheese, Worcestershire sauce, mustard and tomato sauce mixed into a sandwich paste;
• Mock chicken: minced tripe with herbs in a white sauce, popped into vol-au-vents [Even I, as a child of the 1970s, remember these mock shockers];
• Mock duck: rump or bladebone steak rolled in a mixture of breadcrumbs, then baked [why the hell you wouldn't just throw the steak on the barbie for an altogether more agreeable result is anyone's guess];
• Mock goose: Alternate layers of lamb's fry and potato and onions, baked.

There were, Lunn recalls, even mock meal recipes for the times families could not afford the cheapest of offal:

• Mock brains: rissoles made from leftover porridge, beaten egg and onion;
• Mock tripe: onions and butter boiled in milk and thickened with flour [I'm sure this mock version would taste and smell better than the original].

Mock desserts, writes Lunn, included:

• Mock maple syrup: honey, golden syrup, cinnamon, lemon essence [doesn't sound tooooo bad];
• Mock cream: milk, cornflour, butter, sugar;
• Mock ginger: vegetable marrow, sugar, ginger powder, lemons;
• Mock rasbperry jam: tomatoes, sugar, raspberry essence, lemon juice, orrisroot powder (from the root of an iris) and cochineal;
• Mock pears: sweetened, boiled choko [yuck!].

Unlike with mock Tudor, at least there was an economic imperative to the mock tucker. And if worse came to worst, you could always throw it up.

AsTud' investment

From Australia's sentimental home of mock Tudor, Dalkeith, comes today's eyesore.

The owners are obviously on holiday, as the branch and leaves of a eucalypt tree has been allowed to violate the front of their otherwise exotically-inspired villa.

From its lofty position, along the Birdwood Parade escarpment, this mocker has a delightful view of the blue River Swan. The view back from the Swan, unfortunately, is not so enticing.

Mocksford Street

Now, I don't know what you'd call the front of this joint, on Oxford Street, Leederville.

But it's a good bet brick magnate Len Buckeridge had something to do with it.

Check the Tudor windows (right, top). They look straight at a nice brick wall of a newsagents' next door.

Christmas mocking

Driving through the searing heat of the Perth hills this morning to Lake Leschenaultia, on our way to Christmas lunch, through the delightful hamlet of Chidlow, our senses and sensibilities were struck by this.

I don't know if it's Tudor. But it's mock something, and it aint pretty.

Mockodile Dundee

This is real Tudor - the servants' quarters at Windsor Castle no less - but the vehicle in the driveway is remarkably similar to the four-wheelers owned by mock Tudor dwellers back home in Perth.

Mock of Kintyre

In a heritage pronouncement as blundering as Michelle Roberts' one of October 25, The Scotsman of November 14 proclaims the following mocker one of the "14 Buildings in Scotland you must see before you die".

Why 14 buildings specifically, I do not know. Perhaps that was the Tudors' lucky number??? I do know Henry XIII had about that many wives.

Anyway, to quote The Scotsman:

"Kinloch Castle, Rhum, 1906 Leeming & Leeming
'I CAN scarcely describe the effect of the crowded Edwardian interior of Kinloch Castle,' wrote John Betjeman after visiting this opulent Scottish castle. The mock-Tudor house was built by the industrialist Sir George Bullough as a sporting retreat, complete with its own hydroelectric plant, air conditioning and telephone system. 'Kinloch castle provides a fascinating insight into social history and the mindset of the Victorian entrepreneur,' says Lewis."

Its own hydro plant, aircon and telephone system, eh? Add a power boat, pizza oven and Cocos palm, and a more ideal prototype for a modern mocker in Mullalloo you could not find.

In an unguarded mockment

During a recent visit to London, the couple of assumedly-original Tudors at the right and left of shot were snapped by my good wife Hazel.

Note the guard (bottom right of shot).

In England, he's there to keep people out.

If stationed out the front of a Western Australian mocker, he'd be there to keep the poor inhabitants in.

Blue Mockday

At 15A Malsbury Street, Bicton, the blue-lined Tudor trim provides a smart alternative to the usual black.

Again, note the Cocos palms, and power boat, working in complete thematic harmony with the Tudor era.

Mock of the bay

Follow the link to one of the finest Tudorbethans this side of the San Andreas fault.

Hopefully it'll fall in one day soon.

Mock the boat, don't mock the boat, baby.

Here's the side view of 3 Angove Lane, Bicton.

The subtle Tudorbethan window casings, I think, are perfectly complemented by the powerboat, gazebo and pizza oven.

Mocktuda triangle

This wonderful specimen at 3 Angove Lane in Bicton proves Western Australia's love affair with Mock Tudor is not merely due to the state's seemingly endless supplies of asbestos and asbestos cladding.

It was built in the late 1980s or early 1990s, well after asbestos Hardiflex was outlawed as a building product.

Unfortunately, there's no such legislation banning bad taste.

Money for mockin' and your pics for free

Mock Tudor shocker London Court is one of 32 places to share in this year’s Western Australian Heritage Council grants program.

WA Heritage Minister Michelle Roberts on October 25 announced the cutesy shopping arcade would receive $80,000 for structural works.

“London Court is without a doubt one of the most photographed buildings in Perth," Mrs Roberts extolled. "It is well loved by locals and visitors alike."

“The grant will help make sure the clock tower, its four knights and the unique shops can be enjoyed for many years to come.”

Mrs Roberts omitted mention of London Court's mock Tudor garbage bins. She did however note the mock Tudor mall was celebrating its 70th birthday this year.

“The idea of London Court," she spruiked, "was conceived by miner and entrepreneur Claude de Bernales, a figure who features prominently in WA’s history.

"Its unusual British mock Tudor architecture provided ‘a piece of the old home land’ in Perth."

Defying logic, London Court is on Western Australia's register of heritage places.

“The state register celebrates heritage places that are important to all Western Australians,” Mrs Roberts wrapped up, overlooking those Western Australians with any pretensions to good taste.

Be mock'd and wonder'd at

What visit to London would be complete without a cold drink outside Shakespeare's Globe?

Mocking on heaven's door

Down the hill from Windsor Castle, this Tudor*, at Eton (you know the place, it's the home to that finishing school for the born-to-rule) looks like it's on its last legs.

One thing you can say about Western Australia's Tudors, I suppose, is they sure don't build 'em like that any more.

*photo by Hazel Blackberry